A long time between drinks

Forgive the above title, it's colloquial and catchy but aside from that complete bullshit. Our self-assigned mission to visit all the cellar doors in the Canberra region has meant that casa notional has been awash with local vino for more than 12 months.

What it has been a long time between, is fresh posts - something I'm aiming to rectify very soon. In the meantime, I've noticed Bryan Martin, winemaker at Ravensworth and Clonakilla, is now blogging a selection of his Canberra Times food columns and it's well worth a look. Finally, if you're after thoughtful wine reviews and reports* then Chris Shanahan's site is the one to bookmark.




*On the other hand, if you enjoy too many footnotes and weak jokes, then head straight to our notional archives.

Jargon Hunting

Canberra is the national headquarters of stakeholder engagement, thought leadership and the run-on sentence. This city is awash with jargon, wherein words such as actionable, facilitate and silo are ceaselessly smashed into phrases like core competencies, value chain and driving innovation, to make even the most mundane task sound weighty with deliverables.

Unfortunately, this habit of loading sentences with empty emphasis has slopped over into every day conversation and is now the ambient noise of television. Here are six of the worst.


Passion

Unless you fight, fuck or breastfeed someone it isn't a passion. It could be an enthusiasm, it might even be a career or the sort of hobby that gets you a spot on Collectors but rarely does it require the dreaded 'P' word.


Paradigm

Is worth approximately 20 cents and if you really need to shift one I will happily put it in my pocket.


At the end of the day

It gets dark and I can go home without listening to any more of this bullshit.


Journey

It's not a journey unless you change your mailing address. Try using process, experience or, in the case of reality television contestants, 'transitory moment of lessened obscurity'.


Upskill

If you use this word it's a fair bet you haven't.


May I just say

Absolutely not. Just because you're in front of a camera, flanked by a journalist and sitting under television lights in no way indicates an interest in your opinion.

POTUS Guide to Canberra

POTUS Briefing Document #1029 Subsection (W)

Local Guide to Canberra


Mr President,

As requested by Agent Leiter and Mr Ballweight from the Australian Taxation Office, I have provided a few notes about Canberra... although there seems to be some confusion about this (our man in Canberra is a pen-name, not an indication of actually being your... no Mr Ballweight, I didn’t know an Australian taxpayer could be on double secret probation... anyway...


Nickname

It’s almost impossible to spend any time in Australia without a nickname. Luckily, you’ve used Barry before (Aust. Bazza) and it’s one of this nation’s most revered names. Bazza is more popular than Ned or Mick, although on Friday night in the bars around Civic ‘Oishitforbrains (Wideyaspillmedrink)’ gives it a strong run for its money.


North and South

Canberra’s version of the Mason–Dixon Line is Lake Burley Griffin (Aust. Lake Curly Gherkin). Depending on what side of the lake you live on, the opposite side is a toxic location full of bad drivers, inconsiderate cyclists, druggies and (worst of all) bogans. The US Embassy is on the Southside, so as far as you're concerned these descriptors apply to the Northside.


Security

Let’s face it Mr President, you’re probably safer here than at home. This is not to say Australia doesn’t have racial problems - we just prefer to goad our black fellas into a miasma of despair and then hope they’ll quietly crawl into a bottle rather than shoot them (Aust. anymore).

Nor do we have a tradition of violence towards politicians - in fact just the opposite – which means if a certain parliamentarian *koff* Belinda Neal *koff* offers to buy you a beer, politely decline, signal security and move briskly towards the nearest exit. My notes don’t mention you playing soccer so you should be fine.

Finally, like most small to medium cities, Canberra has its less than salubrious neighbourhoods, but as you have bodyguards and an armoured car, Kambah should be pretty safe, perhaps even Charnwood.


Citizenry

Many of Canberra’s workers are public servants (Aust. pubes) and the population predominantly middle-class. Despite this the citizens of Canberra are beset by bogans. They’re everywhere, apparently, and are identifiable in a number of ways.

Bogans only appreciate sport that requires an internal combustion engine, don’t eat organic produce, drink domestic beer or RTD Woodstock bourbon and generic cola (Aust. piss/turps) and continue to enjoy themselves despite what others think. They also saddle their children with ridiculous monikers like Jaxon, Tailuh and Schappelle, instead of proper names such as Brunel, Gaspard and Antigone.

In short, bogans are the type of people whose first thought, when confronted by a McDonald’s menu, is not to critically note the so called ‘healthy choice options’ and muse sotto voce “Cognitive dissonance, much?” but rather “I’ll go a big mac and medium fries.”


Food

Speaking of which, after dinner with the Rudds at the Lodge (Aust. poor bastard) it might be wise to keep this address in mind.


Media

Undoubtedly you’re aware of the three phases in the evolution of American media: watch dog, attack dog, lap dog. In Australia our press gallery is more cattle dog. They move as a herd, growl briefly on initial contact to prove their independence then, once you’ve shown them some horn, will usually roll over to get their tummy patted. If you do let them inside make sure to put down plenty of newspaper (they’re rather excited about your visit).


Politicians and Dignitaries

OK. Remember the wonky guy who goes overboard with the Decore Magic Silver White and looks like the class swot? You’ve met him a couple of times and he’s the Aussie Prime Minister (Aust. Ruddbot/Kruddy). The Chinese government (Aust. the new landlords) seems to like him and even gave him a honourary Chinese name - Hee Doo Bang-ohn.

Next up – notice the redhead who looks like she could beat the Prime Minister in both events of a chess boxing match? She’s Julia Gillard (Aust. the nation’s senior ranga) and she'll be in charge directly, so lay on a bit of charm.

By the way, the over-enunciating clothes horse with the ageing sex kitten vibe is the Governor-General (Aust. embarassing colonial anachronism). And no, most of us don’t know what she actually does either.

We didn’t start the fireside festival.

Towards the end of May, I noticed the Fireside Festival website was still carrying information for August 2008. Having survived a memorable long weekend during Stanthorpe’s Brass Monkey Season in my youth, I subscribed to email updates/newsletters for this year’s event. By late June nothing had come through, so I checked back and found the 2008 information was still up.

Yesterday the ABC carried a report the festival was set to kick off on 1 August. Also that fine journal of record Canberra Weekly Magazine ran a full page advert of the festival program.

I’m yet to receive any updates and by the looks of it, a couple of events are already booked out, so if you fancy fine wine, food, flicks and fires just point your browser here for more details.

Tags:
Canberra, Fireside Festival,Canberra Weekly Magazine, Canberra tourism.

Conversation starter

I live in Canberra. This simple phrase guarantees me conversation whenever I travel.

‘waste of a good sheep paddock’
‘nothing but roundabouts and public servants’
‘we’re subsidising you’
‘Australia’s most boring city’
‘souless’

You get the picture. Usually this stuff is served up by the sort of people who believe mild, parochial insults delivered in a slightly aggrieved, I’m-being-funny tone is witty.

I live in Canberra and one of the most enjoyable aspects of this is that absolutely no one expects you to love it here (you may have to move to Western Australia or Tasmania to fully appreciate how desperately some people need you to like where they live).

Lately, when the standard cliches come up I don’t even bother to try and change the subject. It’s far easier to agree and embellish.

Yes, it is shocking how in Canberra all our housing is fully subsidised and our rates are paid by syphoning off the GST.

Absolutely correct, public servants only work from 10am until 2pm with a two hour lunch break. And yes, there is a roster system where art works from the National Gallery of Australia are loaned out so locals can brighten up the family room. Bloody hard getting Blue Poles through the patio doors I can tell you.

That’s right, big-brained science grads from ANU are on tap to install our domestic PC networks and home cinemas, while the kids are au paired by exquisitely well-read MA students from the School of Arts, all free of charge.

You get the drift.

I live in Canberra and, just quietly between ourselves, I don’t mind it at all.

Tags:
Canberra, cliches.