Friday, March 19, 2010

Jargon Hunting

Canberra is the national headquarters of stakeholder engagement, thought leadership and the run-on sentence. This city is awash with jargon, wherein words such as actionable, facilitate and silo are ceaselessly smashed into phrases like core competencies, value chain and driving innovation, to make even the most mundane task sound weighty with deliverables.

Unfortunately, this habit of loading sentences with empty emphasis has slopped over into every day conversation and is now the ambient noise of television. Here are six of the worst.


Unless you fight, fuck or breastfeed someone it isn't a passion. It could be an enthusiasm, it might even be a career or the sort of hobby that gets you a spot on Collectors but rarely does it require the dreaded 'P' word.


Is worth approximately 20 cents and if you really need to shift one I will happily put it in my pocket.

At the end of the day

It gets dark and I can go home without listening to any more of this bullshit.


It's not a journey unless you change your mailing address. Try using process, experience or, in the case of reality television contestants, 'transitory moment of lessened obscurity'.


If you use this word it's a fair bet you haven't.

May I just say

Absolutely not. Just because you're in front of a camera, flanked by a journalist and sitting under television lights in no way indicates an interest in your opinion.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

POTUS Guide to Canberra

POTUS Briefing Document #1029 Subsection (W)

Local Guide to Canberra

Mr President,

As requested by Agent Leiter and Mr Ballweight from the Australian Taxation Office, I have provided a few notes about Canberra... although there seems to be some confusion about this (our man in Canberra is a pen-name, not an indication of actually being your... no Mr Ballweight, I didn’t know an Australian taxpayer could be on double secret probation... anyway...


It’s almost impossible to spend any time in Australia without a nickname. Luckily, you’ve used Barry before (Aust. Bazza) and it’s one of this nation’s most revered names. Bazza is more popular than Ned or Mick, although on Friday night in the bars around Civic ‘Oishitforbrains (Wideyaspillmedrink)’ gives it a strong run for its money.

North and South

Canberra’s version of the Mason–Dixon Line is Lake Burley Griffin (Aust. Lake Curly Gherkin). Depending on what side of the lake you live on, the opposite side is a toxic location full of bad drivers, inconsiderate cyclists, druggies and (worst of all) bogans. The US Embassy is on the Southside, so as far as you're concerned these descriptors apply to the Northside.


Let’s face it Mr President, you’re probably safer here than at home. This is not to say Australia doesn’t have racial problems - we just prefer to goad our black fellas into a miasma of despair and then hope they’ll quietly crawl into a bottle rather than shoot them (Aust. anymore).

Nor do we have a tradition of violence towards politicians - in fact just the opposite – which means if a certain parliamentarian *koff* Belinda Neal *koff* offers to buy you a beer, politely decline, signal security and move briskly towards the nearest exit. My notes don’t mention you playing soccer so you should be fine.

Finally, like most small to medium cities, Canberra has its less than salubrious neighbourhoods, but as you have bodyguards and an armoured car, Kambah should be pretty safe, perhaps even Charnwood.


Many of Canberra’s workers are public servants (Aust. pubes) and the population predominantly middle-class. Despite this the citizens of Canberra are beset by bogans. They’re everywhere, apparently, and are identifiable in a number of ways.

Bogans only appreciate sport that requires an internal combustion engine, don’t eat organic produce, drink domestic beer or RTD Woodstock bourbon and generic cola (Aust. piss/turps) and continue to enjoy themselves despite what others think. They also saddle their children with ridiculous monikers like Jaxon, Tailuh and Schappelle, instead of proper names such as Brunel, Gaspard and Antigone.

In short, bogans are the type of people whose first thought, when confronted by a McDonald’s menu, is not to critically note the so called ‘healthy choice options’ and muse sotto voce “Cognitive dissonance, much?” but rather “I’ll go a big mac and medium fries.”


Speaking of which, after dinner with the Rudds at the Lodge (Aust. poor bastard) it might be wise to keep this address in mind.


Undoubtedly you’re aware of the three phases in the evolution of American media: watch dog, attack dog, lap dog. In Australia our press gallery is more cattle dog. They move as a herd, growl briefly on initial contact to prove their independence then, once you’ve shown them some horn, will usually roll over to get their tummy patted. If you do let them inside make sure to put down plenty of newspaper (they’re rather excited about your visit).

Politicians and Dignitaries

OK. Remember the wonky guy who goes overboard with the Decore Magic Silver White and looks like the class swot? You’ve met him a couple of times and he’s the Aussie Prime Minister (Aust. Ruddbot/Kruddy). The Chinese government (Aust. the new landlords) seems to like him and even gave him a honourary Chinese name - Hee Doo Bang-ohn.

Next up – notice the redhead who looks like she could beat the Prime Minister in both events of a chess boxing match? She’s Julia Gillard (Aust. the nation’s senior ranga) and she'll be in charge directly, so lay on a bit of charm.

By the way, the over-enunciating clothes horse with the ageing sex kitten vibe is the Governor-General (Aust. embarassing colonial anachronism). And no, most of us don’t know what she actually does either.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Eden Road

“My dog has no nose.”
“How does he smell?”

There is a point to this ancient gag but we’ll get to it later.

The exterior of the cellar door at Eden Road isn’t visually inspiring – think disused light industrial warehouse rather than timber-panelled rustic winery – but the quality of the wine and the friendliness of Patrick, the CD attendant, more than made up for any dowdiness.

Situated in what was the Kamberra winery, Eden Road has links with South Australia (Eden Valley, as the name suggests) but is now focussing on winemaking in the Canberra region using local grapes as well as fruit from Tumbarumba and up and comers such as Hilltops. This has already paid dividends - last year winemaker Nick Spence and the 2008 Hilltops Shiraz strolled away with the Jimmy Watson trophy in a competition that attracted more than 560 wineries.

Before we started tasting, Patrick, who is also a student winemaker at CSU explained there were three tiers to try – top of the range Eden Road, second tier The Long Road and entry level Grower’s Co-op. The Grower’s Co-op is a great initiative that has managed to turn growers’ surplus parcels of fruit into good quality quaffers selling for around $10 a bottle.

The current wine list is extensive. We tasted only a fraction, but still managed to carry away a carton of wine and sign up for their discount club (as an Eden Roadie you score a 20 per cent discount on all future purchases).

It was just after Patrick explained about the three tiers, we’d worked out what to sample (only the local-ish drops) and I was feeling pretty much in command when my nasal intelligence had a major setback. My nose wasn’t blocked but I was missing the upper register. We were only on the light whites, no need to panic. But taste after taste it was all the same – something was definitely wrong*. It was not until I got to the stronger reds that I started picking up verifiable aromas. And even then nothing more definable than vague spice and earthy smells. Bugger… you never hear about ‘King’ James, ‘Captain’ Hooke or ‘Soupy’ Mattinson having an off day with no sense of smell#.

My nose had never let me down like this before – even with a light case of the flu I can usually detect scents others can’t. Possibly, I should’ve called it quits and returned when my conk was shipshape but hey, this blog won’t update itself and we’re a long way away from finish line.

So, calling to mind the words of Mr Ryan, my grade 10 science teacher (“Oh well, the experiment didn’t work but we all know what happens anyway. Look it up in the book”) I decided to plough on regardless. The takeout was they tasted good and to fill in the blank spots I spent the next two months in research (i.e. drinking copious amounts of Eden Road).

The best way to get a handle on the tiers is to try the pinot noir as they’re all worth the bottle price. The Eden Road 08 Pinot ($30) is the more complex of the three with lots of silky tannins and some earthy notes while at the other end of the spectrum the 08 Growers Coop ($10) is lighter and very drinkable with bright cherry flavours. My favourite is the middle tier 08 Long Road Tumbarumba Pinot ($16) – it’s not as intense as the Eden Road but has lots of flavour.

On the day the 2008 Hilltops Barberra Nebiollo stood out ($16.50). It’s dark and earthy on the nose, juicy and luscious with savoury notes but could benefit from some cellar time. From all this it was easy to make up a mixed dozen (for which we paid around $160 – not bad as we included more than a couple from the top tier). Our haul included two chardies (08 Growers Coop & 08 Eden Road Tumbarumba), a riesling, a rose and a cab sauv, the three tiers of pinot noir and the barberra nebiollo.

The surprise pick was the 2008 Growers Coop Viogner that thrown in without tasting to make up the numbers. I can’t remember what we drank it with, probably something like pizza or pasta, but I do know we should have bought a few more bottles. It was a lovely quaffer – honeydew and apricot on the nose and that deliciously distinct viogner flavour. Refreshing, with good acidity it tasted better than the $10 bottle price.

My nose may have deserted me on the day but nothing could spoil the sheer enjoyment I got from this visit. Having a friendly and engaging cellar door attendant who is enthusiastic about the product makes all the difference. I’m looking forward to a return visit, allergy free and with a wider tasting brief to tackle the rest of the road.

*It was only later when my nose started feeling delicately sandblasted that I realised it was an allergy.

# Or perhaps they’re smart enough not to go wine tasting if they have a cold or an allergy. Please note any complaints regarding the nicknames foisted on some of our most respected wine writers should be addressed to our man in Canberra.

Eden Road

Cnr Northbourne Ave & Flemington Rd
Lyneham ACT 2602
12 noon to 4:30pm     Friday
9:30am to 4:30pm     Saturday
11am to 4pm                Sunday
(02) 6220 8500